"He’s so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Kaiser Wilhem. We were best friends in England. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then 1895, I started hanging out with my cousin Nicky, who was totally gorgeous but then his father died, and Wilhem was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Nicky, he’d be like, "Why didn’t return my letter?" And I’d be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, in 1907, which was the signing of the alliance with France and Russia, I was like, "Wilhem, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re an absolutist." I mean I couldn’t have an absolutist at my conference. There were gonna be liberals there signing a treaty, I mean, right? He was an AUTOCRAT. So then his wife wrote to my wife, and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he started World War I because no one would talk to him, and he came back in the fall for peace discussions, all of his hair was falling out and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s on crack."